Something that anyone (really, anyone) can do to improve their life is to become more aware of how you speak to yourself. Sometimes we don’t even realize just how negative our self-talk is. This can be things you say to yourself out loud as well as what you say internally. And no, this doesn’t make you crazy, we all have internal dialogue! Either way, your self-talk may be having a big impact on your mood, your energy and even your self-worth.
First, just think about how you react when you do something you consider “embarrassing” or “stupid.” Do you call yourself names? Do you put yourself down? Say things like “you are such an idiot” or “I’m such a loser”? Now think about how those negative statements make you feel. You may think that it’s not a big deal, but if you repeat the behavior over time, it becomes a habit and then normalized.
I’ve struggled with this myself and have found some tips that can help turn things around. I was very depressed/shy when I was young and super critical of myself. I think a lot of us are. I can’t tell you how many times I belittled myself for something “stupid” I had done. “Why did you say that!?,” “They probably think you’re so weird,” or “No one’s going to want to be friends with you.” Just read those statements again. They are definitely not helpful, and all it did was make me feel bad about myself. I was telling myself these things all the time. After a while, you start to believe it, which is a shame. It doesn’t help that we’re conditioned to compare ourselves to others and be a certain way in order to fit into society. But that’s a post for another day.
So how do you start being more kind to yourself? Well, the first thing you can do is just observe your behavior patterns. Take a day to really pay attention to your self-talk. Make a mental note when you say something negative either to yourself internally or about yourself, even when speaking to someone else. Try to catch yourself using that self-deprecating “humor.” Make a list of everything you notice if you can. Then try to recognize the patterns in your behavior. Maybe when you feel embarrassed, that triggers you to put yourself down, or when you make a mistake. Maybe you tend to use self-defeating language when you’re speaking to someone who intimidates you or makes you nervous. Recognizing these patterns alone goes a really long way and helps you to become more self-aware as time goes on.
Next, once you’ve self-scouted your behavior trends, you can start to replace the negative statements with more healthy, supportive ones. For instance, instead of saying “I’m so stupid” when you forget to do something, try something like “I forgot, but I’ll get it done later/tomorrow/now.” And when you say or do something you feel is embarrassing, try just laughing at yourself rather than putting yourself down. This might not seem like much but I promise you these little things make a difference. It’s all about the little things! It also helps to remember that you’re probably way more critical of yourself than anyone else would ever be, and other people will rarely think twice about what you see as a misstep.
You can also think of how you would respond if you were talking to a friend rather than yourself. I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t tell them they’re stupid or belittle them because of course you don’t want to hurt their feelings. You would most likely find a gentler way to express your thoughts to them. And that’s exactly how you should treat yourself. Be kind. Be understanding. Allow for mistakes. Remind yourself that no one is perfect and that you’re great already just the way you are.
Another thing you can try is replacing negative self-talk with positive statements. When you notice your first reaction is to call yourself an idiot, instead try a statement like “I am doing my best” or “that wasn’t ideal but it’s ok” or I’ll do better next time.” This way you’re giving yourself some breathing room and telling yourself it’s ok to have an off-day or off-moment. It’s not the end of the world. Being more lenient with yourself can make a huge difference in your day and in turn, your life.
The bottom line is that awareness really is key here. You’d be surprised how much you can learn about yourself by just paying more attention. I think we can be afraid of the backlash or judgment not just from others, but from our own ego mind. Your own ego can be your biggest bully at times, and we as humans can be so hard on ourselves for many reasons. It could be the way we were raised, societal pressure, trying to prove our value or worth, etc. But actually, there is no “ideal” way to be- the only opinion that matters is your own. The way you treat yourself is related to how you feel about yourself. Remember, you have nothing to prove, so accept the authentic you and be kind to yourself. Loosen the reins, and in the tough moments, ask what would someone who loves themself say?